My heart is so full. I've been sitting for a few minutes thinking of what i want to write, but an opening sentence has yet to come to me. so with my usual grace and aplomb, i'll jump right into the middle and work my way out.

Its been almost four months since i've been in chicago. I'm mostly amazed that a) i've made it, and that b) for being full of heartache and challenges, its gone by so quickly. More than anything God is proving his faithfulness to me over and over. (in fact i've decided that if i ever get a tattoo, it'll have something like "Faithfulness" in hebrew permenently on my body.) When mom came up to visit, she commented multiple times on how quiet my apartment is. She told me, "Erin i knew that if God were going to 'speak tenderly to you' it would have to quiet enough for you to hear, and yep, its quiet!" and thanks be to Jesus, i do hear (sometimes...hopefully most times?) Multiple times when i'm lonely, i'll tell him "Jesus, i just want to be with someone who KNOWS me," and He sweetly replies with the words of David, "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." His presence, His grace, His 'little' mercies are sprinkled throughout my day and if i still my mind and heart to listen and seek them, I'll find him everywhere.

Yet still i am a creature of habit and shrink from his calling, his Voice. He has brought me to a church, which i'm very excited about, but i'm fearful of the heart that it requires. It requires much to be vulnerable, to serve, to get to know people, to be involved. I'm fearful of commitment, i'm fearful of relationships, i'm fearful of being left behind or getting hurt. Yet again God reminds me that I am not of those that shrink back, and that i should "...be all there. Live to the hilt every situation which you believe to be the will of God."

Thankfully He's also provided another sojourner to encourage me. Her name is Ana, and although i've only known her four days, she has been one of the biggest physical encouragements and reminders of God's care for me. He will not leave me alone until i become exactly who he has made me to be! (said with joy and a bit of chagrin)

And also, there has been Nate. I feel so inadaquate to write and say anything about him, and more importantly about the Lord, who is "compassionate and gracious" even in his decisions to take Nathan away. I have loved watching the Body respond. Its grief, its grace, its care of the broken... I'm so thankful that God is alive in his Body.

I'm anxious to come home and see these faces that i love and hug the smithereens out of them. I love you, family, and am so thankful for your prayers and love and encouragements. Blessings, blessings, blessings!

Ikea=too many options; too many options=uncertainty; uncertainty=stress

i bought a chair. and curtains, and candles. the candles were about the only thing that didn't stress me out. :) Ikea kinda overwhelmed me, as well as the fact that i was buying "big" things, like furniture.... and now i have to keep it! what do i do when i move? but at least it's a cool chair... :)

hello all

so its been awhile, i'm noticing. :) i've honestly tried to post, but this computer here at work doesn't like me. (actually, i think its possessed, along with the napkin dispenser and the yogurt machine.) apart from the spiritual warfare going on between me and the appliances at work, i really enjoy my job. I'm now the acting manager of the cafe (they fired the other assistant manager... yikes!) and i'm working somewhere in the 50+ hour range.... hello salary pay/real world, yes? I have 3 employees, and they are all crazy. :) i like them all, actually, which is extremely helpful. My boss, Jackie, is wonderful, and is actually the person who recommended me to my apartment. She lives down the street, and is about to have a baby. I love my regulars... since we are located in an office building, all i really have are regulars. They're fun though, and my tips are going up. I've never worked in a place where people's brokeness is so obvious. I've been here a month and already i've had conversations with each of my employees and my boss about "things" (they don't know its God, but it is) going on in their lives. Quite honestly, i'm still figuring out how to respond to all of them. I'm pretty confident that right now i just need to love them and get to know them and be in their lives.

Apart from work....

Melodie just came in town, which was fun and encouraging. Around lunch today i kindof lost it though. :) I was sad to see her go, yes, but i was more to sad to have the reminder of all the things i love (roommates, laughter, deep conversations, exhortation, constancy) and have that leave too. and to make it worse, i looked through pictures from my goodbye party and saw all the faces that i love and lives that i've been a part of, and i realized how much i miss home.

So i think that's about where I am at right now. I'm mostly alone, except for when i'm at work. My apartment is still very empty. :) but it's about halfway painted, which is nice. If blogger ever decides to work for me, i'll post pictures.

i better get going... the weather is getting freakishly cold (why did i choose the north again?!?) and its getting dark. :) love to you.

how great is our God

the last two days have been a whirlwind... God is so good, and praise him for his faithfulness!

Update:

I am the new assistant manger of a cafe/coffee shop.
The cafe (Cafe Enterprise) is situated in the cutest-seriously my ideal- little town.
My new boss had a friend who works as a leasing agent; I met her and now have an apartment.

!!!!

crazy, huh!? As i rode home on the L yesterday, i just started crying because I just realized how much God loves me. I knew that he would provide, but that He would grant my every--even ridiculously small--desire, is just so crazy. the city that i'm working in, Evanston, has every shop that i frequent. Urban Outfitters, Gap, Panera Bread, Taco Bell, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Jamba Juice. Its also in a college town (which i wanted), and is seriously precious. The apartment is a huge studio in a vintage building, with the curved-window wall, a decorative fireplace, nice bathroom, great closet. It has hardwood floors, and when i walk out the front door I can see Lake Michigan. (picture Kathleen Kelley's apartment on You've Got Mail) Today I went to pick up the keys and sign the lease, and saw all these sailboats on the horizon... I just can't believe that i'm doing all of this... its so big!! :) it scares me, and thrills me, and makes me depend on him.

Thank y'all for praying for me... God answered all of those requests more than i could imagine. I'll post pictures of all the goodness soon. :)

oh, and there's an olive garden 3 miles from my apartment. :)

the gaze of the soul

This thought was extremely challenging to me, and has altered the way that I pray for community and churches:

"Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which one must individually bow. So one hundred worshippers meeting together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be were they to become "unity" conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship." - A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

my beloved guitar

met its end, at the hands of a cruel AirTran Baggage Services employee. This is a warning to all of you guitar players...

caw caw

this is Erin history in the making... i'm wearing a UNT t-shirt. thats right, i'm sporting a green and white, University of North Texas t-shirt! Thanks to Kate, my pro-UNT friend, i am outfitted to be a real alum. apart from being comfortable, i think i just wanted to wear a little bit of home.

happy moments

ahh... bliss

my precious, precious girls!

Merit's and my shiny shoes!

Look what my cool new camera can do!

Sid the Sloth, Ladies and Gentlemen :)

*disclaimer: i unfortunately have no pictures of David and Beth's wedding, since my camera was out of batteries. but it was awesome, moving, beautiful... and B is the first of the gallery girls to tie the knot! way to go, woman. ;)

a rending

Notes from "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer

Tozer describes the two veils in the tabernacle of God. From the outer court the worshipper enters through the first veil into the Holy Place. The second veil takes him into the Holy of Holies, into the very presence of God. Tozer remarks, "Though the worshipper has enjoyed so much [in the Holy Place, the first veil], still he had not yet entered the presence of God." Lord, how true it is that believers--that I--linger in the presence of a crucified Christ, enjoying the honeymoon period, alternatingly walking between the outer courts and the Holy Place, basking under the golden candlestick-Jesus, the Light of the world, and eating the showbread-the Bread of Life. This veil is necessary, yes, but not the end! Jesus came to rend the veil between the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies, so that we could enter confidently into the presence of the Lord. "God wills that we should push on into his presence and live our whole life there."

Tozer states that it is our self-life, our flesh that holds us in the outer courts, unable to pass through the veil because we have chosen not to be crucified. Lord, crucify me! that i may die to myself, my self love and flesh, and live with you, in all your ravishing fullness, in the very presence of your Holiness! Leave me not at the entrance, but finish the crucifying work in me. I am unable to rend this myself... only You, Lord, can nail me to my Lord's cross.

ashes

I should confess that I have been really prideful. I haven't wanted to talk to many people at home, because I feel like I have no report, no great things to tell you... in short, my life is not fabulous here and i feel silly for leaving. and i'm afraid of missing people (which hello, i do... but who wants to admit that?)

But this is what I came for.... to learn what it means to depend on God only, to love and listen to Him. The verse on this blog is my theme: "therefore I am now going to allure her; i will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." (Hosea 2:14) I just didn't realize that this desert would be this dry, this weary, this desolate. I was hoping for one of those better deserts, you know. The kind with an oasis.

I've been reading Hinds Feet on High Places ( a serious must read) and early on in her journey, Much Afraid is led to the edge of a desert. (Interestingly, this is right after an encounter with Pride). But Much afraid resists her companions, and refuses to go into the desert. She cries out for the Shepherd, and pleads with him to make another way, any way besides the one into the wasteland. When he comes to her, he tells her that that is the path he has chosen for her, and Much afraid loses it: "You mean, you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why, it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. Oh Shepherd, do you mean it is an indefinite postponement?" (italics mine).

Much afraid realizes that "He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back." That is what I realized this morning... I have been hesitating to step forward (to decide that i'm staying in Chicago), because i dislike not having a plan, not knowing when He will bring me back. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I trust him, which I am (tremblingly) learning to do.

Much afraid decides to trust and love the Shepherd, and says, "you have the right to choose for me anything that you please." She then makes an altar, and lays down her "trembling, rebelling will."

This is what i journaled afterwards: "Lord you know my heart, and my greatest desires... yet you are leading me away from them, into a wasteland, with no promise of when you will grant them. It breaks my heart, God, but i trust you. i trust you, and will follow where you lead."

Walk With Me

Walk with me quiet, walk with me slow
With watered down coffee and words of gold
I can feel the edges of these things
When I hear you speak to me, so walk with me

Walk with me empty, walk with me strong
The hush of our voices, when the day seems so long
It is like a balm, it is like a jewel
It unravels all I thought I knew

Will you lead me, beside the still waters
Where the oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows
You restore my soul

Tell me the story, where old is made new
The promise of ages, and all things that are true
When the shadows fall and the wrecking ball
Swings and tears me through the heart

-Caedmon's Call, Back Home

okay so my pictures aren't organizing themselves correctly, but the 4th pic is the first bus i took in chicago! when i lived here before, i always took the L (subway) not busses. it was kindof interesting, since i wasn't sure what i was doing. :) the 3rd pic is me at lake michigan! this is right after i discovered the gay beach... well, they may have just been really confident men in speedos and thongs that wanted to relax in the sun... but i think not. the 2nd pic is the starbucks i DIDN'T stop at. thats right folks, i can learn self control! :) and the 1st pic is me with my dear dear friend Mandi, right after she whooped me at frisbee golf. (you can kindof see her husband tim in the back). So these are just a few photos... i'll try to figure out this picture thing soon. :)

getting lost

has its benefits, surprisingly. Today I was going to meet a real estate agent to show me a studio, but got turned around. I asked a lady if she knew where Winthrop was, and she gave me a ride to where i was going. She asked me what i was going there for, and i told her i was looking for a place to rent. she told me, "oh no. you don't want to rent on that side of broadway. If i had a daughter, i wouldn't let her live there for sure! trust me, i know, i'm a real estate agent." So i ended up going back to her house, meeting her family, having a drink, and networking! I now have two real estate agents (alma, and her son chris) trying to find me a place in a safe neighborhood, as well as an open job opportunity at the Melting Pot as a server! It was so cool and exciting and FABULOUS to meet nice people in Chicago. Her family was so sweet too. Her husband told me that even if i didn't rent an apartment from them, he hopes they see me again. (we chatted up about texas--- he worked in dallas and in houston with a string quartet!)

I was just really encouraged to see God using even things that frustrate me (i HATE being lost) to bring about what He wanted to give me-- a good afternoon with nice people and opportunities for an apartment and job, as well as opportunities to share about him (i got to share parts of my testimony with her son, Chris).

So cool day, huh??

Chi-town

I've made it; I'm here in Chicago. all my courage has left me! :) more glory to Christ, right? less of me is more of Jesus. These are the promises and instructions that I've been praying through, and would really really appriciate if y'all prayed with me:

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, becasuse he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

" 'If you honor it [sabbath] by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob' The mouth of the LORD has spoken." Isaiah 58: 13c-14

"If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds." Song of Songs 1:8

peter pan syndrome

oh, this growing up stuff is so weird....

graduation!

ha!

this is so random, but i'm really enjoying my new deodorant that came in the mail! its by degree, and it smells so good! even after a full day. that's the winner, folks.

crossroads and 18 wheelers

one month from today--even from the time right now i think-- i'll be 'leavin on a jet plane'.

last week autumn was home. i asked her if she thought it was a good thing that i was leaving and she said she didn't know. she couldn't tell if i was going for God-reasons or Erin-reasons. I've been working through this, and what's frustrating is that i know that i could convince myself either way. I'm never very convinced that what i'm doing is God's choice or mine, but you can't just stand in the middle of the road waiting for an answer... right? Maybe you can and i'm just impatient and fearful of being run over by semi trucks.

i guess we'll see. my ticket is non-refundable.

things only IKEA can do to you...

today was the first day i've cried about chicago, and i'm not even there yet. i was overwhelmed by the thought of commiting to a plane ticket, and picturing what is soon to be my apartment empty with the exeption of a mattress and guitar. i feel like my days are becoming a prelude to what they will be. Quiet, somewhat busy, quiet, lonely, quiet. maybe if i knew what i was heading towards it would be easier... but as it is i have no job, no apartment, no church, and three and a half friends (half= baby levi). You weren't kidding about a desert...

testing 1-2-3

this is really just because i'm celebrating the fact that i will be moving to chicago, and have no other (inexpensive) way of expressing my elation. so the real posts will come when i am actually preparing for/on the way to/arriving in/residing in chicago. :)