ashes

I should confess that I have been really prideful. I haven't wanted to talk to many people at home, because I feel like I have no report, no great things to tell you... in short, my life is not fabulous here and i feel silly for leaving. and i'm afraid of missing people (which hello, i do... but who wants to admit that?)

But this is what I came for.... to learn what it means to depend on God only, to love and listen to Him. The verse on this blog is my theme: "therefore I am now going to allure her; i will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." (Hosea 2:14) I just didn't realize that this desert would be this dry, this weary, this desolate. I was hoping for one of those better deserts, you know. The kind with an oasis.

I've been reading Hinds Feet on High Places ( a serious must read) and early on in her journey, Much Afraid is led to the edge of a desert. (Interestingly, this is right after an encounter with Pride). But Much afraid resists her companions, and refuses to go into the desert. She cries out for the Shepherd, and pleads with him to make another way, any way besides the one into the wasteland. When he comes to her, he tells her that that is the path he has chosen for her, and Much afraid loses it: "You mean, you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why, it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. Oh Shepherd, do you mean it is an indefinite postponement?" (italics mine).

Much afraid realizes that "He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back." That is what I realized this morning... I have been hesitating to step forward (to decide that i'm staying in Chicago), because i dislike not having a plan, not knowing when He will bring me back. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I trust him, which I am (tremblingly) learning to do.

Much afraid decides to trust and love the Shepherd, and says, "you have the right to choose for me anything that you please." She then makes an altar, and lays down her "trembling, rebelling will."

This is what i journaled afterwards: "Lord you know my heart, and my greatest desires... yet you are leading me away from them, into a wasteland, with no promise of when you will grant them. It breaks my heart, God, but i trust you. i trust you, and will follow where you lead."