i'm giddy out of my mind at the moment. i've been laying in bed, trying to sleep (and why shouldn't i? its been a long day, its past midnight, its monday tomorrow) but i keep giggling and being in awe of the fact that in 5 days (well, 4 now since its 12:15am) i will be Mrs. Erin Cushman. AHHHH!!!! :) (i'm so glad i got a normal last name with my husband. i don't know that i could get used to something with alot of z's or k's or q's in them. mostly because i can't write those in cursive very well at all.)
this whole experience of engagement, and especially the last week has been surreal. its kindof as if you wait and plan and dream and anticipate for 10+ years what engagement and marriage will be like, and poof! in just a short 5 months, its happening.
i really love my story. the story God is writing in my life. it has been crazy, but so fun. and He, above every good thing (and from which every good thing stems)is so patient and forgiving and gentle and steadfast.
and i really have no point to this post, except to exclaim to the world:
"I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!"
in four days. :)
i'm going to try to go to sleep again now. :)
April 13, 2008
February 12, 2008
Oh Lord
so here's the thing: i'm getting married.
and the enormity of marriage scares me.
not in a way that makes me wish i wasn't engaged- thats not it. but in the way of realizing i'm entering the second most important covenant of my life, and i will fail miserably.
Somehow i'm "okay" failing with my Jesus- i know that i'll sin, and He knows exactly how i'll do it, and I know that He cut covenant with me and is faithful to me. I'm just attempting to keep up and abide. and maybe if i saw His face every time i said an unkind word, or acting unlovingly, ungraciously, inconsiderately, and selfishly i would be cut to the core-- the way that I am when i realized that i've (yet again) failed and hurt Blair. Maybe if i took my relationship with Jesus to that intimate level of learning to communicate, i would have a better grasp on how to love and serve Blair.
i feel so inadaquate. and all of these books that i've been given to "teach" me have only served in validating- "yes. you will fail. you are human, you will hurt him, and you will be hurt; marriage is hard." yet-- none of that is very comforting. but worth it?
Lord, please help me to die to myself- please purge me of my selfishness and desire for self preservation, and commit myself to the man you chose for me, to make me more like You. please be with me when i'm afraid, and remind me that You won't call me to something and then leave me to fend for myself, but you will enable me to carry it out. please enable me to love him as you do, and to consciously be choosing to serve him in every way. please help me to love You as You desire to be loved, and that i will find out what pleases You and seek it just as consistently. please remind me too, Jesus, that You care for my heart and won't leave me out to dry, but satisfy all the desires of my heart. please create in me a new heart that desires solely what You desire... i just want to know that i'm going to make it, and in the end, You'll be pleased with me.
and the enormity of marriage scares me.
not in a way that makes me wish i wasn't engaged- thats not it. but in the way of realizing i'm entering the second most important covenant of my life, and i will fail miserably.
Somehow i'm "okay" failing with my Jesus- i know that i'll sin, and He knows exactly how i'll do it, and I know that He cut covenant with me and is faithful to me. I'm just attempting to keep up and abide. and maybe if i saw His face every time i said an unkind word, or acting unlovingly, ungraciously, inconsiderately, and selfishly i would be cut to the core-- the way that I am when i realized that i've (yet again) failed and hurt Blair. Maybe if i took my relationship with Jesus to that intimate level of learning to communicate, i would have a better grasp on how to love and serve Blair.
i feel so inadaquate. and all of these books that i've been given to "teach" me have only served in validating- "yes. you will fail. you are human, you will hurt him, and you will be hurt; marriage is hard." yet-- none of that is very comforting. but worth it?
Lord, please help me to die to myself- please purge me of my selfishness and desire for self preservation, and commit myself to the man you chose for me, to make me more like You. please be with me when i'm afraid, and remind me that You won't call me to something and then leave me to fend for myself, but you will enable me to carry it out. please enable me to love him as you do, and to consciously be choosing to serve him in every way. please help me to love You as You desire to be loved, and that i will find out what pleases You and seek it just as consistently. please remind me too, Jesus, that You care for my heart and won't leave me out to dry, but satisfy all the desires of my heart. please create in me a new heart that desires solely what You desire... i just want to know that i'm going to make it, and in the end, You'll be pleased with me.
January 22, 2008
i was angry
at the students on sunday. i was angry that they can be disrespectful, impatient, and careless. i was angry that they complain about how "irrelevant" God is: how He doesn't answer, He doesn't care, He doesn't speak--- i was angry because they say such things, but at church and youth group, and any other opportunity to hear from God, they are talking, laughing, not paying attention, doodling, texting, skipping. I was angry (am angry?) that it is their own refusal to listen, to learn patience, to understands what it means to seek His face that keeps them from a relationship with the Intimate. It is not as if God isn't true, isn't trying, isn't available. I am angry that they blame God, when it is their laziness that keeps them from Him. I am angry at sin, at tolerance, at postmodernity, that makes them think that they are "learning, growing, expanding" but end up apathetic, listless, depressed. there is so much more.
and i was angry at myself, for how frequently i'm like these youth that i love. If i'm not hearing from God, not close to him, it is most likely 10 out of 10 times my fault. we'd like to think that David's prayers about God leaving him are applicable to us-- and i think they are at times a reflection of our emotions, but if God turns away from me, it is most likely due to sin on my part, not to negligence on His.
in the service on sunday, a pastor prayed that "God please be real to us today." and while i understand what he meant, i disagree with the statement, "God, please be real." this is what i wrote:
God, You ARE real. it is we who are dumb, deaf and mute, we who are fabricated and false, we with our fake smiles and memorized lines. we, God, who speak all too quickly when in actuality pay no heed to what proceeds from our lips.
It is me, God, that i beg for You to make real--- to the extent that i can be wholly naked before You and live- please God, make me real.
and i was angry at myself, for how frequently i'm like these youth that i love. If i'm not hearing from God, not close to him, it is most likely 10 out of 10 times my fault. we'd like to think that David's prayers about God leaving him are applicable to us-- and i think they are at times a reflection of our emotions, but if God turns away from me, it is most likely due to sin on my part, not to negligence on His.
in the service on sunday, a pastor prayed that "God please be real to us today." and while i understand what he meant, i disagree with the statement, "God, please be real." this is what i wrote:
God, You ARE real. it is we who are dumb, deaf and mute, we who are fabricated and false, we with our fake smiles and memorized lines. we, God, who speak all too quickly when in actuality pay no heed to what proceeds from our lips.
It is me, God, that i beg for You to make real--- to the extent that i can be wholly naked before You and live- please God, make me real.
December 28, 2007
"discombobulated", as ashley would say
do you ever sit down to write a new post, and get stumped on what to say? very rarely do i come to my blog and know exactly what it is that i want to communicate, but rather i let my fingers start typing as my heart tumbles out in discordant run-on sentences.
its snowing outside. we're supposed to get 8 inches today. and if it weren't for the slushiness factor, i don't think i'd mind. it's pretty to walk in and somehow it makes you nostalgic (even though in texas we didn't grow up with snow.)
i feel like i have a thousand things running through my head-
when will i have time to spend with katie, charlotte, kat, jordone?
when will my car get fixed?
what type of flower do i want for the wedding favors?
what are my colors anyway? and when/where will i find a bridesmaid dress?
i really hope it will be good weather...
i really want a nap.
but a long one. that i wake up and feel refreshed from.
i wish that my coffee with katie could've lasted longer.
what am i doing for new years?
the pill or natural family planning and sheesh! i can't believe i have to deal with that now...
i really just want time with you, Jesus. i feel so random and emotional. i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing and i don't want to caught up in only ONE day, and one (yes huge, but one) aspect of my life right now. i don't want to miss home as much as i do. i don't want to be as busy as i am- i want to BE here, not just occupying space. i miss katie and kat and charlotte and jordone. i miss being involved, listening, knowing how they are. i miss my wednesdays with mandi and audi and christina, and though its only been a few weeks since we met i long for them. i am (annoyingly) a people person and when i don't have time or good time with people i feel stifled and irritable. i miss my sister, i wish were closer. i miss katie- i love her passion and want to be around to support her new endeavor. i love my nieces. ...i'm really just sad, God. i want to be in both places and can't.
its snowing outside. we're supposed to get 8 inches today. and if it weren't for the slushiness factor, i don't think i'd mind. it's pretty to walk in and somehow it makes you nostalgic (even though in texas we didn't grow up with snow.)
i feel like i have a thousand things running through my head-
when will i have time to spend with katie, charlotte, kat, jordone?
when will my car get fixed?
what type of flower do i want for the wedding favors?
what are my colors anyway? and when/where will i find a bridesmaid dress?
i really hope it will be good weather...
i really want a nap.
but a long one. that i wake up and feel refreshed from.
i wish that my coffee with katie could've lasted longer.
what am i doing for new years?
the pill or natural family planning and sheesh! i can't believe i have to deal with that now...
i really just want time with you, Jesus. i feel so random and emotional. i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing and i don't want to caught up in only ONE day, and one (yes huge, but one) aspect of my life right now. i don't want to miss home as much as i do. i don't want to be as busy as i am- i want to BE here, not just occupying space. i miss katie and kat and charlotte and jordone. i miss being involved, listening, knowing how they are. i miss my wednesdays with mandi and audi and christina, and though its only been a few weeks since we met i long for them. i am (annoyingly) a people person and when i don't have time or good time with people i feel stifled and irritable. i miss my sister, i wish were closer. i miss katie- i love her passion and want to be around to support her new endeavor. i love my nieces. ...i'm really just sad, God. i want to be in both places and can't.
October 05, 2007
be ware, i'm a little sappy tonight
i'm late at the office- a new office, actually, not Towers. September was one crazy month, let me tell you. Here are some highlights for you:
Sept 2- labor day weekend- drove home (15 hour drive) with Blair to surprise the pants (literally, ha ha dad. :) ) off my parents. it was a great trip, super fast, very busy, so much fun. I love my family, i love surprises, i love roadtrips. I love the trifecta, i love that Danielle and David are dating, I love my nieces. I love homecooked meals and sleeping later than 6am, i love sitting on the swing with dad. i love laying in bed with mom, recounting our days and telling her my heart. i love the comfort of my family.
Sept 7- was supposed to start the 'new job' that turned not not to be a job at all but more like a nightmare. was once again unemployed for the 3rd time in 12 months. Thankfully God filled in the holes relatively quickly and i'm now working a 55-60 hour week, opening at starbucks and working at the church office in the afternoons as a temp. receptionist.
sept 8- Jackie and Steve got married. I am still so amazed at how God worked this all out together, how our friendship developed, how God has pursued her and she is answering. Please pray for her as she begins to understand how great our Savior's love toward us.
Sept 19- This time we flew down to dallas to go to two more weddings. Best day with melodie and bill- i love my friendship with her, enjoying a day-double-date together. its what both of us always thought our lives would be like- living nearby, married with (six or a half dozen) kids, living life together and challenging eachother. it was sweet for my soul to be with her that day. Before that though, a very important life altering question was asked (no not to me, but to my dad) and my dad said yes. :) I cried, of course. mostly for happiness, but also for change. i dread change, and this is so big- the shifting of my dad as my sole provider, encourager, and covering. it made me cherish our Chicago time all the more, daddy. I love you and i'm always yours. Mamma P got married, I rode in a 72 Caddillac ElDorado Convertible, I met Autumn's new beau, i played with Ashton for a day. I miss her so terribly. I love watching her grow, love her hugs, love her shyness. I love seeing bits of my favorite people reflected in her as well. I was asked for a ring size, i was told that i am loved, i had my first rum and coke. i danced with my sister and merit, we "journeyed" to africa, england, and austin. we discovered african catipillars, we fought off lobster monsters. merit serenaded me with Beauty and the Beast. I left knowing that my life is still in chicago, and my heart is still divided. I left missing people and wishing for more time, time with Katie and Debi and Faith and Penny, women who challenge me yet our schedules and distance keep us from frequent contact. i miss the accountability, i miss our church, i miss our raw and unpolished authenticity, i miss that kind of sunday morning.
sept 29- I came home to these precious women who ask me hard questions, things that i still wrestle with. i went paintballing (15 welts), laughed with my brother and good friend, lunched with mandi as levi went around hugging and delighting perfect strangers.
September is over. i am not settled quite yet in the new apartment, i'm not sure if i'll move yet next month or not. i am tired today. but i am thankful, thankful for His provision and comfort, his faithfulness to meet needs, his covering. I am thankful for friends and hugs, fun colors like mango and pomegranate to balance out life decisions, and thankful even for something as dumb as a blog to let others know a bit of my mind as i haphazardly unload my thoughts onto a page.
Sept 2- labor day weekend- drove home (15 hour drive) with Blair to surprise the pants (literally, ha ha dad. :) ) off my parents. it was a great trip, super fast, very busy, so much fun. I love my family, i love surprises, i love roadtrips. I love the trifecta, i love that Danielle and David are dating, I love my nieces. I love homecooked meals and sleeping later than 6am, i love sitting on the swing with dad. i love laying in bed with mom, recounting our days and telling her my heart. i love the comfort of my family.
Sept 7- was supposed to start the 'new job' that turned not not to be a job at all but more like a nightmare. was once again unemployed for the 3rd time in 12 months. Thankfully God filled in the holes relatively quickly and i'm now working a 55-60 hour week, opening at starbucks and working at the church office in the afternoons as a temp. receptionist.
sept 8- Jackie and Steve got married. I am still so amazed at how God worked this all out together, how our friendship developed, how God has pursued her and she is answering. Please pray for her as she begins to understand how great our Savior's love toward us.
Sept 19- This time we flew down to dallas to go to two more weddings. Best day with melodie and bill- i love my friendship with her, enjoying a day-double-date together. its what both of us always thought our lives would be like- living nearby, married with (six or a half dozen) kids, living life together and challenging eachother. it was sweet for my soul to be with her that day. Before that though, a very important life altering question was asked (no not to me, but to my dad) and my dad said yes. :) I cried, of course. mostly for happiness, but also for change. i dread change, and this is so big- the shifting of my dad as my sole provider, encourager, and covering. it made me cherish our Chicago time all the more, daddy. I love you and i'm always yours. Mamma P got married, I rode in a 72 Caddillac ElDorado Convertible, I met Autumn's new beau, i played with Ashton for a day. I miss her so terribly. I love watching her grow, love her hugs, love her shyness. I love seeing bits of my favorite people reflected in her as well. I was asked for a ring size, i was told that i am loved, i had my first rum and coke. i danced with my sister and merit, we "journeyed" to africa, england, and austin. we discovered african catipillars, we fought off lobster monsters. merit serenaded me with Beauty and the Beast. I left knowing that my life is still in chicago, and my heart is still divided. I left missing people and wishing for more time, time with Katie and Debi and Faith and Penny, women who challenge me yet our schedules and distance keep us from frequent contact. i miss the accountability, i miss our church, i miss our raw and unpolished authenticity, i miss that kind of sunday morning.
sept 29- I came home to these precious women who ask me hard questions, things that i still wrestle with. i went paintballing (15 welts), laughed with my brother and good friend, lunched with mandi as levi went around hugging and delighting perfect strangers.
September is over. i am not settled quite yet in the new apartment, i'm not sure if i'll move yet next month or not. i am tired today. but i am thankful, thankful for His provision and comfort, his faithfulness to meet needs, his covering. I am thankful for friends and hugs, fun colors like mango and pomegranate to balance out life decisions, and thankful even for something as dumb as a blog to let others know a bit of my mind as i haphazardly unload my thoughts onto a page.
August 28, 2007
continued beginnings
i recently remarked to mom, "mom! i like firm endings and clear beginnings. and i haven't had time to have the ceremony and pomp that brings that clarity, but i don't have time!!! life keeps going on and i just have to keep going with it!" she laughed and agreed with me.
and so, my family, here is my 1 year update... a few weeks late. :)
I MADE IT!!! i made it due ONLY to the grace of God. This was my journal entry the night before:
"Thank you for your faithfulness to me, and bringing me here and establishing me. You have done exactly what you promised to do. You lead me here to an empty and desolate city, and began to woo me. You love has been full of tenderness and discipline. you have made a door of hope, bringing people into my life that i had never imagined. You have given me back vineyards- you've filled my life with a good, godly abundance. and i joyfully yield all to you, my Savior, my Husband."
Most of you know either from reading these posts or from talking with me the type of year that God has brought me through. Rejoice with me! Rejoice with me that we serve such a good God, who is gracious and compassionate, and loving toward all he has made!
as for future plans- most of you probably know too that i will be staying in the Chicago area indefinitely. while i am so excited about what He has done and is doing here in Chicago, my heart weeps at the thought of not sharing life with you. I told Katie recently that i'm realizing that your heart continues to expand as you grow up, and often in an uncomfortable way. Before moving here my whole life and heart was in Denton, and now it is stretched across 4 different states. in as much as i love life and friends here, I long for my family in Denton, Danielle in D.C., and Autumn in Florida. (thankfully M is moving back to Denton, so i'll only be in 3 states, until of course she marries the man of her dreams and goes to be a crazy missionary woman. AHH! can your heart stretch across continents???)
All that to say- thank you family for supporting me this year. i love you terribly! and miss you tremendously. i cannot wait to be home with all of you- you refresh my heart.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
and so, my family, here is my 1 year update... a few weeks late. :)
I MADE IT!!! i made it due ONLY to the grace of God. This was my journal entry the night before:
"Thank you for your faithfulness to me, and bringing me here and establishing me. You have done exactly what you promised to do. You lead me here to an empty and desolate city, and began to woo me. You love has been full of tenderness and discipline. you have made a door of hope, bringing people into my life that i had never imagined. You have given me back vineyards- you've filled my life with a good, godly abundance. and i joyfully yield all to you, my Savior, my Husband."
Most of you know either from reading these posts or from talking with me the type of year that God has brought me through. Rejoice with me! Rejoice with me that we serve such a good God, who is gracious and compassionate, and loving toward all he has made!
as for future plans- most of you probably know too that i will be staying in the Chicago area indefinitely. while i am so excited about what He has done and is doing here in Chicago, my heart weeps at the thought of not sharing life with you. I told Katie recently that i'm realizing that your heart continues to expand as you grow up, and often in an uncomfortable way. Before moving here my whole life and heart was in Denton, and now it is stretched across 4 different states. in as much as i love life and friends here, I long for my family in Denton, Danielle in D.C., and Autumn in Florida. (thankfully M is moving back to Denton, so i'll only be in 3 states, until of course she marries the man of her dreams and goes to be a crazy missionary woman. AHH! can your heart stretch across continents???)
All that to say- thank you family for supporting me this year. i love you terribly! and miss you tremendously. i cannot wait to be home with all of you- you refresh my heart.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
July 13, 2007
you have filled my heart with greater joy...
good morning to you, my friends.
its friday morning and i'm early to the office. i might've just found a good time to update- no one really gets here at 8am on friday. i'm surrounded by paperwork that i really will start working on in a few minutes, but for now i wanted to send a few thoughts out there.
it's almost been 11 months. (i realize that i update around this time each month, but whenever the 15th rolls around it gets me thinking about where i've been, how i've been doing, and what is going on in my heart.)
today i'm feeling tired. i'm realize that i'm swinging into a down time, where i need to rest and chill for a few days. i'm planning on doing that tonight when i go camping with Christina and Rachel.
i have friends now. :) did you know that? somewhere in the beginning of May God started bringing life into these bones, and filled my days up with phone calls and laughter and quality time and love. and i'm really loving these special people God has brought to me. Audi, Mandi, Christina, Ana, Rachel, Erikah- these women are wonderful and challenging, gracious and strong. they have loved and served me, and i am so blessed by them. God also knew that i was missing my brothers, and filled the gap with Tim, Ben, Josh, Eric-- awesome men who believe in our God, fight for the people in their life, and hold fast to the Truth. And i've been welcomed back into a family- The Schmidt's. i just think of them and my heart feels at rest, knowing that i am loved, enjoyed, appreciated, honored. i love having a 'mom' and 'dad' that can hug me and kiss me good night when my parents can't, that pray for me and counsel me. i love having brothers that really are my brothers- i have long missed the laughter and teasing that we had in texas.
and lately, wonderfully- I have a man in my life that is pursuing my heart. I am... crazy. :) very quickly becoming crazy about him, and so so blessed that God brought us together. He is amazing. He is tender towards me, respects me, couragous and confident about learning all my brokeness, creative, passionate about Christ and his Truth, adventurous, trustworthy, leads me in a way that honors and encourages me, consistent, calming. I've never known a man quite like him. I'm eager for my family (and church family) to meet him.
Thank you, family. for covering me in prayers and guarding me, for keeping my heart and keeping hope when i couldn't. I love you all and cannot wait to be with you, laughing, worshipping, playing, talking.
its friday morning and i'm early to the office. i might've just found a good time to update- no one really gets here at 8am on friday. i'm surrounded by paperwork that i really will start working on in a few minutes, but for now i wanted to send a few thoughts out there.
it's almost been 11 months. (i realize that i update around this time each month, but whenever the 15th rolls around it gets me thinking about where i've been, how i've been doing, and what is going on in my heart.)
today i'm feeling tired. i'm realize that i'm swinging into a down time, where i need to rest and chill for a few days. i'm planning on doing that tonight when i go camping with Christina and Rachel.
i have friends now. :) did you know that? somewhere in the beginning of May God started bringing life into these bones, and filled my days up with phone calls and laughter and quality time and love. and i'm really loving these special people God has brought to me. Audi, Mandi, Christina, Ana, Rachel, Erikah- these women are wonderful and challenging, gracious and strong. they have loved and served me, and i am so blessed by them. God also knew that i was missing my brothers, and filled the gap with Tim, Ben, Josh, Eric-- awesome men who believe in our God, fight for the people in their life, and hold fast to the Truth. And i've been welcomed back into a family- The Schmidt's. i just think of them and my heart feels at rest, knowing that i am loved, enjoyed, appreciated, honored. i love having a 'mom' and 'dad' that can hug me and kiss me good night when my parents can't, that pray for me and counsel me. i love having brothers that really are my brothers- i have long missed the laughter and teasing that we had in texas.
and lately, wonderfully- I have a man in my life that is pursuing my heart. I am... crazy. :) very quickly becoming crazy about him, and so so blessed that God brought us together. He is amazing. He is tender towards me, respects me, couragous and confident about learning all my brokeness, creative, passionate about Christ and his Truth, adventurous, trustworthy, leads me in a way that honors and encourages me, consistent, calming. I've never known a man quite like him. I'm eager for my family (and church family) to meet him.
Thank you, family. for covering me in prayers and guarding me, for keeping my heart and keeping hope when i couldn't. I love you all and cannot wait to be with you, laughing, worshipping, playing, talking.
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