Oh Lord

so here's the thing: i'm getting married.

and the enormity of marriage scares me.

not in a way that makes me wish i wasn't engaged- thats not it. but in the way of realizing i'm entering the second most important covenant of my life, and i will fail miserably.

Somehow i'm "okay" failing with my Jesus- i know that i'll sin, and He knows exactly how i'll do it, and I know that He cut covenant with me and is faithful to me. I'm just attempting to keep up and abide. and maybe if i saw His face every time i said an unkind word, or acting unlovingly, ungraciously, inconsiderately, and selfishly i would be cut to the core-- the way that I am when i realized that i've (yet again) failed and hurt Blair. Maybe if i took my relationship with Jesus to that intimate level of learning to communicate, i would have a better grasp on how to love and serve Blair.

i feel so inadaquate. and all of these books that i've been given to "teach" me have only served in validating- "yes. you will fail. you are human, you will hurt him, and you will be hurt; marriage is hard." yet-- none of that is very comforting. but worth it?

Lord, please help me to die to myself- please purge me of my selfishness and desire for self preservation, and commit myself to the man you chose for me, to make me more like You. please be with me when i'm afraid, and remind me that You won't call me to something and then leave me to fend for myself, but you will enable me to carry it out. please enable me to love him as you do, and to consciously be choosing to serve him in every way. please help me to love You as You desire to be loved, and that i will find out what pleases You and seek it just as consistently. please remind me too, Jesus, that You care for my heart and won't leave me out to dry, but satisfy all the desires of my heart. please create in me a new heart that desires solely what You desire... i just want to know that i'm going to make it, and in the end, You'll be pleased with me.