i'm giddy out of my mind at the moment. i've been laying in bed, trying to sleep (and why shouldn't i? its been a long day, its past midnight, its monday tomorrow) but i keep giggling and being in awe of the fact that in 5 days (well, 4 now since its 12:15am) i will be Mrs. Erin Cushman. AHHHH!!!! :) (i'm so glad i got a normal last name with my husband. i don't know that i could get used to something with alot of z's or k's or q's in them. mostly because i can't write those in cursive very well at all.)
this whole experience of engagement, and especially the last week has been surreal. its kindof as if you wait and plan and dream and anticipate for 10+ years what engagement and marriage will be like, and poof! in just a short 5 months, its happening.
i really love my story. the story God is writing in my life. it has been crazy, but so fun. and He, above every good thing (and from which every good thing stems)is so patient and forgiving and gentle and steadfast.
and i really have no point to this post, except to exclaim to the world:
"I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!"
in four days. :)
i'm going to try to go to sleep again now. :)
April 13, 2008
February 12, 2008
Oh Lord
so here's the thing: i'm getting married.
and the enormity of marriage scares me.
not in a way that makes me wish i wasn't engaged- thats not it. but in the way of realizing i'm entering the second most important covenant of my life, and i will fail miserably.
Somehow i'm "okay" failing with my Jesus- i know that i'll sin, and He knows exactly how i'll do it, and I know that He cut covenant with me and is faithful to me. I'm just attempting to keep up and abide. and maybe if i saw His face every time i said an unkind word, or acting unlovingly, ungraciously, inconsiderately, and selfishly i would be cut to the core-- the way that I am when i realized that i've (yet again) failed and hurt Blair. Maybe if i took my relationship with Jesus to that intimate level of learning to communicate, i would have a better grasp on how to love and serve Blair.
i feel so inadaquate. and all of these books that i've been given to "teach" me have only served in validating- "yes. you will fail. you are human, you will hurt him, and you will be hurt; marriage is hard." yet-- none of that is very comforting. but worth it?
Lord, please help me to die to myself- please purge me of my selfishness and desire for self preservation, and commit myself to the man you chose for me, to make me more like You. please be with me when i'm afraid, and remind me that You won't call me to something and then leave me to fend for myself, but you will enable me to carry it out. please enable me to love him as you do, and to consciously be choosing to serve him in every way. please help me to love You as You desire to be loved, and that i will find out what pleases You and seek it just as consistently. please remind me too, Jesus, that You care for my heart and won't leave me out to dry, but satisfy all the desires of my heart. please create in me a new heart that desires solely what You desire... i just want to know that i'm going to make it, and in the end, You'll be pleased with me.
and the enormity of marriage scares me.
not in a way that makes me wish i wasn't engaged- thats not it. but in the way of realizing i'm entering the second most important covenant of my life, and i will fail miserably.
Somehow i'm "okay" failing with my Jesus- i know that i'll sin, and He knows exactly how i'll do it, and I know that He cut covenant with me and is faithful to me. I'm just attempting to keep up and abide. and maybe if i saw His face every time i said an unkind word, or acting unlovingly, ungraciously, inconsiderately, and selfishly i would be cut to the core-- the way that I am when i realized that i've (yet again) failed and hurt Blair. Maybe if i took my relationship with Jesus to that intimate level of learning to communicate, i would have a better grasp on how to love and serve Blair.
i feel so inadaquate. and all of these books that i've been given to "teach" me have only served in validating- "yes. you will fail. you are human, you will hurt him, and you will be hurt; marriage is hard." yet-- none of that is very comforting. but worth it?
Lord, please help me to die to myself- please purge me of my selfishness and desire for self preservation, and commit myself to the man you chose for me, to make me more like You. please be with me when i'm afraid, and remind me that You won't call me to something and then leave me to fend for myself, but you will enable me to carry it out. please enable me to love him as you do, and to consciously be choosing to serve him in every way. please help me to love You as You desire to be loved, and that i will find out what pleases You and seek it just as consistently. please remind me too, Jesus, that You care for my heart and won't leave me out to dry, but satisfy all the desires of my heart. please create in me a new heart that desires solely what You desire... i just want to know that i'm going to make it, and in the end, You'll be pleased with me.
January 22, 2008
i was angry
at the students on sunday. i was angry that they can be disrespectful, impatient, and careless. i was angry that they complain about how "irrelevant" God is: how He doesn't answer, He doesn't care, He doesn't speak--- i was angry because they say such things, but at church and youth group, and any other opportunity to hear from God, they are talking, laughing, not paying attention, doodling, texting, skipping. I was angry (am angry?) that it is their own refusal to listen, to learn patience, to understands what it means to seek His face that keeps them from a relationship with the Intimate. It is not as if God isn't true, isn't trying, isn't available. I am angry that they blame God, when it is their laziness that keeps them from Him. I am angry at sin, at tolerance, at postmodernity, that makes them think that they are "learning, growing, expanding" but end up apathetic, listless, depressed. there is so much more.
and i was angry at myself, for how frequently i'm like these youth that i love. If i'm not hearing from God, not close to him, it is most likely 10 out of 10 times my fault. we'd like to think that David's prayers about God leaving him are applicable to us-- and i think they are at times a reflection of our emotions, but if God turns away from me, it is most likely due to sin on my part, not to negligence on His.
in the service on sunday, a pastor prayed that "God please be real to us today." and while i understand what he meant, i disagree with the statement, "God, please be real." this is what i wrote:
God, You ARE real. it is we who are dumb, deaf and mute, we who are fabricated and false, we with our fake smiles and memorized lines. we, God, who speak all too quickly when in actuality pay no heed to what proceeds from our lips.
It is me, God, that i beg for You to make real--- to the extent that i can be wholly naked before You and live- please God, make me real.
and i was angry at myself, for how frequently i'm like these youth that i love. If i'm not hearing from God, not close to him, it is most likely 10 out of 10 times my fault. we'd like to think that David's prayers about God leaving him are applicable to us-- and i think they are at times a reflection of our emotions, but if God turns away from me, it is most likely due to sin on my part, not to negligence on His.
in the service on sunday, a pastor prayed that "God please be real to us today." and while i understand what he meant, i disagree with the statement, "God, please be real." this is what i wrote:
God, You ARE real. it is we who are dumb, deaf and mute, we who are fabricated and false, we with our fake smiles and memorized lines. we, God, who speak all too quickly when in actuality pay no heed to what proceeds from our lips.
It is me, God, that i beg for You to make real--- to the extent that i can be wholly naked before You and live- please God, make me real.
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