do you ever sit down to write a new post, and get stumped on what to say? very rarely do i come to my blog and know exactly what it is that i want to communicate, but rather i let my fingers start typing as my heart tumbles out in discordant run-on sentences.
its snowing outside. we're supposed to get 8 inches today. and if it weren't for the slushiness factor, i don't think i'd mind. it's pretty to walk in and somehow it makes you nostalgic (even though in texas we didn't grow up with snow.)
i feel like i have a thousand things running through my head-
when will i have time to spend with katie, charlotte, kat, jordone?
when will my car get fixed?
what type of flower do i want for the wedding favors?
what are my colors anyway? and when/where will i find a bridesmaid dress?
i really hope it will be good weather...
i really want a nap.
but a long one. that i wake up and feel refreshed from.
i wish that my coffee with katie could've lasted longer.
what am i doing for new years?
the pill or natural family planning and sheesh! i can't believe i have to deal with that now...
i really just want time with you, Jesus. i feel so random and emotional. i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing and i don't want to caught up in only ONE day, and one (yes huge, but one) aspect of my life right now. i don't want to miss home as much as i do. i don't want to be as busy as i am- i want to BE here, not just occupying space. i miss katie and kat and charlotte and jordone. i miss being involved, listening, knowing how they are. i miss my wednesdays with mandi and audi and christina, and though its only been a few weeks since we met i long for them. i am (annoyingly) a people person and when i don't have time or good time with people i feel stifled and irritable. i miss my sister, i wish were closer. i miss katie- i love her passion and want to be around to support her new endeavor. i love my nieces. ...i'm really just sad, God. i want to be in both places and can't.
December 28, 2007
October 05, 2007
be ware, i'm a little sappy tonight
i'm late at the office- a new office, actually, not Towers. September was one crazy month, let me tell you. Here are some highlights for you:
Sept 2- labor day weekend- drove home (15 hour drive) with Blair to surprise the pants (literally, ha ha dad. :) ) off my parents. it was a great trip, super fast, very busy, so much fun. I love my family, i love surprises, i love roadtrips. I love the trifecta, i love that Danielle and David are dating, I love my nieces. I love homecooked meals and sleeping later than 6am, i love sitting on the swing with dad. i love laying in bed with mom, recounting our days and telling her my heart. i love the comfort of my family.
Sept 7- was supposed to start the 'new job' that turned not not to be a job at all but more like a nightmare. was once again unemployed for the 3rd time in 12 months. Thankfully God filled in the holes relatively quickly and i'm now working a 55-60 hour week, opening at starbucks and working at the church office in the afternoons as a temp. receptionist.
sept 8- Jackie and Steve got married. I am still so amazed at how God worked this all out together, how our friendship developed, how God has pursued her and she is answering. Please pray for her as she begins to understand how great our Savior's love toward us.
Sept 19- This time we flew down to dallas to go to two more weddings. Best day with melodie and bill- i love my friendship with her, enjoying a day-double-date together. its what both of us always thought our lives would be like- living nearby, married with (six or a half dozen) kids, living life together and challenging eachother. it was sweet for my soul to be with her that day. Before that though, a very important life altering question was asked (no not to me, but to my dad) and my dad said yes. :) I cried, of course. mostly for happiness, but also for change. i dread change, and this is so big- the shifting of my dad as my sole provider, encourager, and covering. it made me cherish our Chicago time all the more, daddy. I love you and i'm always yours. Mamma P got married, I rode in a 72 Caddillac ElDorado Convertible, I met Autumn's new beau, i played with Ashton for a day. I miss her so terribly. I love watching her grow, love her hugs, love her shyness. I love seeing bits of my favorite people reflected in her as well. I was asked for a ring size, i was told that i am loved, i had my first rum and coke. i danced with my sister and merit, we "journeyed" to africa, england, and austin. we discovered african catipillars, we fought off lobster monsters. merit serenaded me with Beauty and the Beast. I left knowing that my life is still in chicago, and my heart is still divided. I left missing people and wishing for more time, time with Katie and Debi and Faith and Penny, women who challenge me yet our schedules and distance keep us from frequent contact. i miss the accountability, i miss our church, i miss our raw and unpolished authenticity, i miss that kind of sunday morning.
sept 29- I came home to these precious women who ask me hard questions, things that i still wrestle with. i went paintballing (15 welts), laughed with my brother and good friend, lunched with mandi as levi went around hugging and delighting perfect strangers.
September is over. i am not settled quite yet in the new apartment, i'm not sure if i'll move yet next month or not. i am tired today. but i am thankful, thankful for His provision and comfort, his faithfulness to meet needs, his covering. I am thankful for friends and hugs, fun colors like mango and pomegranate to balance out life decisions, and thankful even for something as dumb as a blog to let others know a bit of my mind as i haphazardly unload my thoughts onto a page.
Sept 2- labor day weekend- drove home (15 hour drive) with Blair to surprise the pants (literally, ha ha dad. :) ) off my parents. it was a great trip, super fast, very busy, so much fun. I love my family, i love surprises, i love roadtrips. I love the trifecta, i love that Danielle and David are dating, I love my nieces. I love homecooked meals and sleeping later than 6am, i love sitting on the swing with dad. i love laying in bed with mom, recounting our days and telling her my heart. i love the comfort of my family.
Sept 7- was supposed to start the 'new job' that turned not not to be a job at all but more like a nightmare. was once again unemployed for the 3rd time in 12 months. Thankfully God filled in the holes relatively quickly and i'm now working a 55-60 hour week, opening at starbucks and working at the church office in the afternoons as a temp. receptionist.
sept 8- Jackie and Steve got married. I am still so amazed at how God worked this all out together, how our friendship developed, how God has pursued her and she is answering. Please pray for her as she begins to understand how great our Savior's love toward us.
Sept 19- This time we flew down to dallas to go to two more weddings. Best day with melodie and bill- i love my friendship with her, enjoying a day-double-date together. its what both of us always thought our lives would be like- living nearby, married with (six or a half dozen) kids, living life together and challenging eachother. it was sweet for my soul to be with her that day. Before that though, a very important life altering question was asked (no not to me, but to my dad) and my dad said yes. :) I cried, of course. mostly for happiness, but also for change. i dread change, and this is so big- the shifting of my dad as my sole provider, encourager, and covering. it made me cherish our Chicago time all the more, daddy. I love you and i'm always yours. Mamma P got married, I rode in a 72 Caddillac ElDorado Convertible, I met Autumn's new beau, i played with Ashton for a day. I miss her so terribly. I love watching her grow, love her hugs, love her shyness. I love seeing bits of my favorite people reflected in her as well. I was asked for a ring size, i was told that i am loved, i had my first rum and coke. i danced with my sister and merit, we "journeyed" to africa, england, and austin. we discovered african catipillars, we fought off lobster monsters. merit serenaded me with Beauty and the Beast. I left knowing that my life is still in chicago, and my heart is still divided. I left missing people and wishing for more time, time with Katie and Debi and Faith and Penny, women who challenge me yet our schedules and distance keep us from frequent contact. i miss the accountability, i miss our church, i miss our raw and unpolished authenticity, i miss that kind of sunday morning.
sept 29- I came home to these precious women who ask me hard questions, things that i still wrestle with. i went paintballing (15 welts), laughed with my brother and good friend, lunched with mandi as levi went around hugging and delighting perfect strangers.
September is over. i am not settled quite yet in the new apartment, i'm not sure if i'll move yet next month or not. i am tired today. but i am thankful, thankful for His provision and comfort, his faithfulness to meet needs, his covering. I am thankful for friends and hugs, fun colors like mango and pomegranate to balance out life decisions, and thankful even for something as dumb as a blog to let others know a bit of my mind as i haphazardly unload my thoughts onto a page.
August 28, 2007
continued beginnings
i recently remarked to mom, "mom! i like firm endings and clear beginnings. and i haven't had time to have the ceremony and pomp that brings that clarity, but i don't have time!!! life keeps going on and i just have to keep going with it!" she laughed and agreed with me.
and so, my family, here is my 1 year update... a few weeks late. :)
I MADE IT!!! i made it due ONLY to the grace of God. This was my journal entry the night before:
"Thank you for your faithfulness to me, and bringing me here and establishing me. You have done exactly what you promised to do. You lead me here to an empty and desolate city, and began to woo me. You love has been full of tenderness and discipline. you have made a door of hope, bringing people into my life that i had never imagined. You have given me back vineyards- you've filled my life with a good, godly abundance. and i joyfully yield all to you, my Savior, my Husband."
Most of you know either from reading these posts or from talking with me the type of year that God has brought me through. Rejoice with me! Rejoice with me that we serve such a good God, who is gracious and compassionate, and loving toward all he has made!
as for future plans- most of you probably know too that i will be staying in the Chicago area indefinitely. while i am so excited about what He has done and is doing here in Chicago, my heart weeps at the thought of not sharing life with you. I told Katie recently that i'm realizing that your heart continues to expand as you grow up, and often in an uncomfortable way. Before moving here my whole life and heart was in Denton, and now it is stretched across 4 different states. in as much as i love life and friends here, I long for my family in Denton, Danielle in D.C., and Autumn in Florida. (thankfully M is moving back to Denton, so i'll only be in 3 states, until of course she marries the man of her dreams and goes to be a crazy missionary woman. AHH! can your heart stretch across continents???)
All that to say- thank you family for supporting me this year. i love you terribly! and miss you tremendously. i cannot wait to be home with all of you- you refresh my heart.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
and so, my family, here is my 1 year update... a few weeks late. :)
I MADE IT!!! i made it due ONLY to the grace of God. This was my journal entry the night before:
"Thank you for your faithfulness to me, and bringing me here and establishing me. You have done exactly what you promised to do. You lead me here to an empty and desolate city, and began to woo me. You love has been full of tenderness and discipline. you have made a door of hope, bringing people into my life that i had never imagined. You have given me back vineyards- you've filled my life with a good, godly abundance. and i joyfully yield all to you, my Savior, my Husband."
Most of you know either from reading these posts or from talking with me the type of year that God has brought me through. Rejoice with me! Rejoice with me that we serve such a good God, who is gracious and compassionate, and loving toward all he has made!
as for future plans- most of you probably know too that i will be staying in the Chicago area indefinitely. while i am so excited about what He has done and is doing here in Chicago, my heart weeps at the thought of not sharing life with you. I told Katie recently that i'm realizing that your heart continues to expand as you grow up, and often in an uncomfortable way. Before moving here my whole life and heart was in Denton, and now it is stretched across 4 different states. in as much as i love life and friends here, I long for my family in Denton, Danielle in D.C., and Autumn in Florida. (thankfully M is moving back to Denton, so i'll only be in 3 states, until of course she marries the man of her dreams and goes to be a crazy missionary woman. AHH! can your heart stretch across continents???)
All that to say- thank you family for supporting me this year. i love you terribly! and miss you tremendously. i cannot wait to be home with all of you- you refresh my heart.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
July 13, 2007
you have filled my heart with greater joy...
good morning to you, my friends.
its friday morning and i'm early to the office. i might've just found a good time to update- no one really gets here at 8am on friday. i'm surrounded by paperwork that i really will start working on in a few minutes, but for now i wanted to send a few thoughts out there.
it's almost been 11 months. (i realize that i update around this time each month, but whenever the 15th rolls around it gets me thinking about where i've been, how i've been doing, and what is going on in my heart.)
today i'm feeling tired. i'm realize that i'm swinging into a down time, where i need to rest and chill for a few days. i'm planning on doing that tonight when i go camping with Christina and Rachel.
i have friends now. :) did you know that? somewhere in the beginning of May God started bringing life into these bones, and filled my days up with phone calls and laughter and quality time and love. and i'm really loving these special people God has brought to me. Audi, Mandi, Christina, Ana, Rachel, Erikah- these women are wonderful and challenging, gracious and strong. they have loved and served me, and i am so blessed by them. God also knew that i was missing my brothers, and filled the gap with Tim, Ben, Josh, Eric-- awesome men who believe in our God, fight for the people in their life, and hold fast to the Truth. And i've been welcomed back into a family- The Schmidt's. i just think of them and my heart feels at rest, knowing that i am loved, enjoyed, appreciated, honored. i love having a 'mom' and 'dad' that can hug me and kiss me good night when my parents can't, that pray for me and counsel me. i love having brothers that really are my brothers- i have long missed the laughter and teasing that we had in texas.
and lately, wonderfully- I have a man in my life that is pursuing my heart. I am... crazy. :) very quickly becoming crazy about him, and so so blessed that God brought us together. He is amazing. He is tender towards me, respects me, couragous and confident about learning all my brokeness, creative, passionate about Christ and his Truth, adventurous, trustworthy, leads me in a way that honors and encourages me, consistent, calming. I've never known a man quite like him. I'm eager for my family (and church family) to meet him.
Thank you, family. for covering me in prayers and guarding me, for keeping my heart and keeping hope when i couldn't. I love you all and cannot wait to be with you, laughing, worshipping, playing, talking.
its friday morning and i'm early to the office. i might've just found a good time to update- no one really gets here at 8am on friday. i'm surrounded by paperwork that i really will start working on in a few minutes, but for now i wanted to send a few thoughts out there.
it's almost been 11 months. (i realize that i update around this time each month, but whenever the 15th rolls around it gets me thinking about where i've been, how i've been doing, and what is going on in my heart.)
today i'm feeling tired. i'm realize that i'm swinging into a down time, where i need to rest and chill for a few days. i'm planning on doing that tonight when i go camping with Christina and Rachel.
i have friends now. :) did you know that? somewhere in the beginning of May God started bringing life into these bones, and filled my days up with phone calls and laughter and quality time and love. and i'm really loving these special people God has brought to me. Audi, Mandi, Christina, Ana, Rachel, Erikah- these women are wonderful and challenging, gracious and strong. they have loved and served me, and i am so blessed by them. God also knew that i was missing my brothers, and filled the gap with Tim, Ben, Josh, Eric-- awesome men who believe in our God, fight for the people in their life, and hold fast to the Truth. And i've been welcomed back into a family- The Schmidt's. i just think of them and my heart feels at rest, knowing that i am loved, enjoyed, appreciated, honored. i love having a 'mom' and 'dad' that can hug me and kiss me good night when my parents can't, that pray for me and counsel me. i love having brothers that really are my brothers- i have long missed the laughter and teasing that we had in texas.
and lately, wonderfully- I have a man in my life that is pursuing my heart. I am... crazy. :) very quickly becoming crazy about him, and so so blessed that God brought us together. He is amazing. He is tender towards me, respects me, couragous and confident about learning all my brokeness, creative, passionate about Christ and his Truth, adventurous, trustworthy, leads me in a way that honors and encourages me, consistent, calming. I've never known a man quite like him. I'm eager for my family (and church family) to meet him.
Thank you, family. for covering me in prayers and guarding me, for keeping my heart and keeping hope when i couldn't. I love you all and cannot wait to be with you, laughing, worshipping, playing, talking.
June 14, 2007
In the morning when i rise, just give me Jesus
good morning, loves. i'm sitting here at work, drinking chai out of my blairjamin mug and yawning a bit, not quite ready to start the day. thankfully its thursday, and saturday will be here soon. but instead of a quiet-sleeping in-restful-almost boring saturday, i'm off adventuring to Boston early saturday morn. Danielle and I found cheap tickets on southwest and are meeting in Manchester, New Hampshire, then driving to Boston for a little less than 24 hours. I love that we have the time and energy to do crazy things (having the money is slightly more questionable). I'm really looking forward to being with M. I feel like i've been out of body the last three weeks, and need someone who knows my heart to be near me and bring me down to earth. God has been blessing my socks off, so much so that i'm overwhelmed by the magnitude of His absolute goodness to me. And i love being overwhelmed by him! but i do get to a point of, "oh Jesus can i just sleep in your arms for a little bit and soak up all your goodness through osmosis???"
I am thankful that the LORD knows. He knows. and if He knows, and i trust that He cares, than i can reasonably assume that He will act, in one way or another, for His glory and our good.
i am scattered. :) i don't think this will make sense to anyone but me and the holy spirit, but i'll put it out there anyway. :)
and i'm sad. i wish faitho were adventuring with us. its not the trifecta with only two!
I am thankful that the LORD knows. He knows. and if He knows, and i trust that He cares, than i can reasonably assume that He will act, in one way or another, for His glory and our good.
i am scattered. :) i don't think this will make sense to anyone but me and the holy spirit, but i'll put it out there anyway. :)
and i'm sad. i wish faitho were adventuring with us. its not the trifecta with only two!
April 30, 2007
The winter has past; the rains are over and gone
Hello family! its almost May! isn't that wonderful??? I'm loving watching this city come alive. Tim asked me recently what my favorite season was, and i told him that it wasn't until this year that i'm actually experiencing all 4 seasons--- i love Texas but "summer, HOT summer, mild summer, and 2 weeks of winter" is about all we get.
I love how the Lord is bringing "spring" into my life as well as the city around me. I've experienced more happiness in this city in the last 3 weeks than I have collectively in the time i've been here. (well, maybe thats stretching it a bit, but I have been noticeably happier lately. and i do mean "happy"-- I believe the Lord has given me joy, even in times of 'unhappiness')
I've started working with the Sr High at Winnetka Bible Church. I LOVE these kids. They are so eager to laugh, to grow up, to know Jesus, to please. They're so much fun. and the sr high women are so precious to me. They are a HUGE source of accountability for me-- knowing that i have 15 year old girls listening and watching has shaped my words, actions, dress, and attitude at church. I feel so priviledged to get to know their hearts, and i am (tremblingly) thrilled that Jesus has allowed me the joy of ministering to them. Pray for me as I am Christ to these kids, especially these girls.
I have to say, i'm a solid GCM baby. :) I am convinced that "every member is a minister" and now that i'm back in ministry, i'm astounded that i went for as long as i did without some avenue to pour out into. Its no wonder that my life was bleak. :) My cup was not overflowing, but being muddied as I lingered in indecision concerning the Body and my involvement. And yet i still believe that God seperated me and pulled me out from ministry in Denton. I honestly believe that Hosea 2 is a commentary on my Jesus' sweet actions towards me: He has cut me off and seperated me, he has brought me into a desert and YES, he did speak tenderly to me. and now, without me asking, he has given me vineyards and made this valley a door of hope. and amazingly, for the first time that I can ever remember, I can truly say that I love being loved by Jesus, the Lover of my soul. He is sweeter to me than any other. and he's done it. He has proven faithful what he has promised he would do. I love knowing that he's so trustworthy.
Thank you, family, for loving me and praying me through these last 9 months. Please continue to pray--- I'm seriously considering staying here in the fall. I can't imagine leaving these kids unless God gives me a very definite "GO". The church needs women to work with the kids that have the time and the heart to pour into them--- (i'm also beginning to be so thankful for the excess of time that i have! i'm not quite to the "yay for singleness!!!!!" point, but i have had glimpses so i'm sure its around the bend. :) ) and i'm here and available and eager.
a few requests:
1) closer relationships with the girls and wisdom to know the balance of craziness/seriousness with them
2) wisdom for fall plans; clear guidance on whether to stay or go
3) that the Lord would keep my heart still before him- that i would not strive but trust that "no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly"
thank you, Beloved! i miss your faces and am eager to see you again. love you much.
I love how the Lord is bringing "spring" into my life as well as the city around me. I've experienced more happiness in this city in the last 3 weeks than I have collectively in the time i've been here. (well, maybe thats stretching it a bit, but I have been noticeably happier lately. and i do mean "happy"-- I believe the Lord has given me joy, even in times of 'unhappiness')
I've started working with the Sr High at Winnetka Bible Church. I LOVE these kids. They are so eager to laugh, to grow up, to know Jesus, to please. They're so much fun. and the sr high women are so precious to me. They are a HUGE source of accountability for me-- knowing that i have 15 year old girls listening and watching has shaped my words, actions, dress, and attitude at church. I feel so priviledged to get to know their hearts, and i am (tremblingly) thrilled that Jesus has allowed me the joy of ministering to them. Pray for me as I am Christ to these kids, especially these girls.
I have to say, i'm a solid GCM baby. :) I am convinced that "every member is a minister" and now that i'm back in ministry, i'm astounded that i went for as long as i did without some avenue to pour out into. Its no wonder that my life was bleak. :) My cup was not overflowing, but being muddied as I lingered in indecision concerning the Body and my involvement. And yet i still believe that God seperated me and pulled me out from ministry in Denton. I honestly believe that Hosea 2 is a commentary on my Jesus' sweet actions towards me: He has cut me off and seperated me, he has brought me into a desert and YES, he did speak tenderly to me. and now, without me asking, he has given me vineyards and made this valley a door of hope. and amazingly, for the first time that I can ever remember, I can truly say that I love being loved by Jesus, the Lover of my soul. He is sweeter to me than any other. and he's done it. He has proven faithful what he has promised he would do. I love knowing that he's so trustworthy.
Thank you, family, for loving me and praying me through these last 9 months. Please continue to pray--- I'm seriously considering staying here in the fall. I can't imagine leaving these kids unless God gives me a very definite "GO". The church needs women to work with the kids that have the time and the heart to pour into them--- (i'm also beginning to be so thankful for the excess of time that i have! i'm not quite to the "yay for singleness!!!!!" point, but i have had glimpses so i'm sure its around the bend. :) ) and i'm here and available and eager.
a few requests:
1) closer relationships with the girls and wisdom to know the balance of craziness/seriousness with them
2) wisdom for fall plans; clear guidance on whether to stay or go
3) that the Lord would keep my heart still before him- that i would not strive but trust that "no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly"
thank you, Beloved! i miss your faces and am eager to see you again. love you much.
April 16, 2007
3 meals a day x 7 days a week x 52 weeks a year = 1,092 breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.
This afternoon i meandered down Randolph Street and found a chinese restaurant, where i sat by a window and watched the cars, delivery trucks, and one random man doing Tai Chi (?) on the side of the road. I brought my bible and laid my cell phone on the table, and ordered a $9 dollar meal that consisted of an egg roll, egg and chicken soup, chicken and vegetable stir fry, and salad. and of course, two fortune cookies (just in case you didn't like your first prediction, you could choose another) in which i was informed that I am "very expressive and positive in word, act and feeling." expressive is quite true for 90% of the time, however i'm sure the positive isn't. (and hence this note. :) )
I know i chose this, or rather responded to God choosing this for me. I know that at the end of this year, i could quite possibly tally up my meals and realize that i ate 1,000 of them alone. and thats okay, really. but i'll be very happy when I don't sit alone at a chinese restaurant, watching cars and listening to conversations around me.
I know i chose this, or rather responded to God choosing this for me. I know that at the end of this year, i could quite possibly tally up my meals and realize that i ate 1,000 of them alone. and thats okay, really. but i'll be very happy when I don't sit alone at a chinese restaurant, watching cars and listening to conversations around me.
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