a rending

Notes from "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer

Tozer describes the two veils in the tabernacle of God. From the outer court the worshipper enters through the first veil into the Holy Place. The second veil takes him into the Holy of Holies, into the very presence of God. Tozer remarks, "Though the worshipper has enjoyed so much [in the Holy Place, the first veil], still he had not yet entered the presence of God." Lord, how true it is that believers--that I--linger in the presence of a crucified Christ, enjoying the honeymoon period, alternatingly walking between the outer courts and the Holy Place, basking under the golden candlestick-Jesus, the Light of the world, and eating the showbread-the Bread of Life. This veil is necessary, yes, but not the end! Jesus came to rend the veil between the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies, so that we could enter confidently into the presence of the Lord. "God wills that we should push on into his presence and live our whole life there."

Tozer states that it is our self-life, our flesh that holds us in the outer courts, unable to pass through the veil because we have chosen not to be crucified. Lord, crucify me! that i may die to myself, my self love and flesh, and live with you, in all your ravishing fullness, in the very presence of your Holiness! Leave me not at the entrance, but finish the crucifying work in me. I am unable to rend this myself... only You, Lord, can nail me to my Lord's cross.

ashes

I should confess that I have been really prideful. I haven't wanted to talk to many people at home, because I feel like I have no report, no great things to tell you... in short, my life is not fabulous here and i feel silly for leaving. and i'm afraid of missing people (which hello, i do... but who wants to admit that?)

But this is what I came for.... to learn what it means to depend on God only, to love and listen to Him. The verse on this blog is my theme: "therefore I am now going to allure her; i will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." (Hosea 2:14) I just didn't realize that this desert would be this dry, this weary, this desolate. I was hoping for one of those better deserts, you know. The kind with an oasis.

I've been reading Hinds Feet on High Places ( a serious must read) and early on in her journey, Much Afraid is led to the edge of a desert. (Interestingly, this is right after an encounter with Pride). But Much afraid resists her companions, and refuses to go into the desert. She cries out for the Shepherd, and pleads with him to make another way, any way besides the one into the wasteland. When he comes to her, he tells her that that is the path he has chosen for her, and Much afraid loses it: "You mean, you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why, it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. Oh Shepherd, do you mean it is an indefinite postponement?" (italics mine).

Much afraid realizes that "He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back." That is what I realized this morning... I have been hesitating to step forward (to decide that i'm staying in Chicago), because i dislike not having a plan, not knowing when He will bring me back. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I trust him, which I am (tremblingly) learning to do.

Much afraid decides to trust and love the Shepherd, and says, "you have the right to choose for me anything that you please." She then makes an altar, and lays down her "trembling, rebelling will."

This is what i journaled afterwards: "Lord you know my heart, and my greatest desires... yet you are leading me away from them, into a wasteland, with no promise of when you will grant them. It breaks my heart, God, but i trust you. i trust you, and will follow where you lead."

Walk With Me

Walk with me quiet, walk with me slow
With watered down coffee and words of gold
I can feel the edges of these things
When I hear you speak to me, so walk with me

Walk with me empty, walk with me strong
The hush of our voices, when the day seems so long
It is like a balm, it is like a jewel
It unravels all I thought I knew

Will you lead me, beside the still waters
Where the oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows
You restore my soul

Tell me the story, where old is made new
The promise of ages, and all things that are true
When the shadows fall and the wrecking ball
Swings and tears me through the heart

-Caedmon's Call, Back Home

okay so my pictures aren't organizing themselves correctly, but the 4th pic is the first bus i took in chicago! when i lived here before, i always took the L (subway) not busses. it was kindof interesting, since i wasn't sure what i was doing. :) the 3rd pic is me at lake michigan! this is right after i discovered the gay beach... well, they may have just been really confident men in speedos and thongs that wanted to relax in the sun... but i think not. the 2nd pic is the starbucks i DIDN'T stop at. thats right folks, i can learn self control! :) and the 1st pic is me with my dear dear friend Mandi, right after she whooped me at frisbee golf. (you can kindof see her husband tim in the back). So these are just a few photos... i'll try to figure out this picture thing soon. :)

getting lost

has its benefits, surprisingly. Today I was going to meet a real estate agent to show me a studio, but got turned around. I asked a lady if she knew where Winthrop was, and she gave me a ride to where i was going. She asked me what i was going there for, and i told her i was looking for a place to rent. she told me, "oh no. you don't want to rent on that side of broadway. If i had a daughter, i wouldn't let her live there for sure! trust me, i know, i'm a real estate agent." So i ended up going back to her house, meeting her family, having a drink, and networking! I now have two real estate agents (alma, and her son chris) trying to find me a place in a safe neighborhood, as well as an open job opportunity at the Melting Pot as a server! It was so cool and exciting and FABULOUS to meet nice people in Chicago. Her family was so sweet too. Her husband told me that even if i didn't rent an apartment from them, he hopes they see me again. (we chatted up about texas--- he worked in dallas and in houston with a string quartet!)

I was just really encouraged to see God using even things that frustrate me (i HATE being lost) to bring about what He wanted to give me-- a good afternoon with nice people and opportunities for an apartment and job, as well as opportunities to share about him (i got to share parts of my testimony with her son, Chris).

So cool day, huh??

Chi-town

I've made it; I'm here in Chicago. all my courage has left me! :) more glory to Christ, right? less of me is more of Jesus. These are the promises and instructions that I've been praying through, and would really really appriciate if y'all prayed with me:

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, becasuse he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

" 'If you honor it [sabbath] by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob' The mouth of the LORD has spoken." Isaiah 58: 13c-14

"If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds." Song of Songs 1:8

peter pan syndrome

oh, this growing up stuff is so weird....

graduation!