at the students on sunday. i was angry that they can be disrespectful, impatient, and careless. i was angry that they complain about how "irrelevant" God is: how He doesn't answer, He doesn't care, He doesn't speak--- i was angry because they say such things, but at church and youth group, and any other opportunity to hear from God, they are talking, laughing, not paying attention, doodling, texting, skipping. I was angry (am angry?) that it is their own refusal to listen, to learn patience, to understands what it means to seek His face that keeps them from a relationship with the Intimate. It is not as if God isn't true, isn't trying, isn't available. I am angry that they blame God, when it is their laziness that keeps them from Him. I am angry at sin, at tolerance, at postmodernity, that makes them think that they are "learning, growing, expanding" but end up apathetic, listless, depressed. there is so much more.
and i was angry at myself, for how frequently i'm like these youth that i love. If i'm not hearing from God, not close to him, it is most likely 10 out of 10 times my fault. we'd like to think that David's prayers about God leaving him are applicable to us-- and i think they are at times a reflection of our emotions, but if God turns away from me, it is most likely due to sin on my part, not to negligence on His.
in the service on sunday, a pastor prayed that "God please be real to us today." and while i understand what he meant, i disagree with the statement, "God, please be real." this is what i wrote:
God, You ARE real. it is we who are dumb, deaf and mute, we who are fabricated and false, we with our fake smiles and memorized lines. we, God, who speak all too quickly when in actuality pay no heed to what proceeds from our lips.
It is me, God, that i beg for You to make real--- to the extent that i can be wholly naked before You and live- please God, make me real.
